Am I real?

I know that seems a silly question. Perhaps I should add to it. Clarify a little. I suppose a more precise question would be: Am I just a reflection of the people and circumstances around me at any one time?

When I was in college, taking a creative writing course, surrounded by writers, I wrote so prolifically. When I went to the Creator's Lounge at Further Confusion and others were there, drawing, talking about drawing, passing reference books, I felt such a charge. It was like we were all feeding off each others' creative energy, and increasing it. I drew some really good pictures, and turned them out, one after the other, inside others' sketchbooks. When I'm with my family at gatherings, and those members that I have a problem with are in absence, I start joking like all my family jokes, puns, zingers, telling stories about this or that... When I roleplay, I often find the quality of my roleplay echoing that of those whom I'm roleplaying with, post length and quality rising or falling. And when I'm at my current job, surrounded by bitches, I get bitchy.

Am I just a reflection? Is there any way to be other than a reflection? I suppose everyone does that, to an extent, altering according to those you're surrounded by, and what circumstances you're in. Can it really be avoided? Everyone has to get along somehow. And short of being utterly alone, you can't avoid being affected by people. It's not always a bad thing either, such as with the drawing, or when I was in band and we put in a soul-lifting performance. And I mean that in terms of music and how it makes me feel to play well, and play well in a group of others also talented. I'm a capable enough tenor sax player, nothing special despite my musical family and background, but I never minded that. I enjoy myself, and every once in a while, I slip free of mediocrity, and shine. Isn't that all any musician could want?

This all makes me wonder though, if I was alone, really alone, no computer, no other people, no phone... would there be anything to me? I can't answer that.

It might not be so bad to be a reflection. I've been happy being so. I think the online contacts I have are all that's saved me, really, prodding my creativity into fits and starts, but at least ensuring it continues. For that I'm grateful. I don't really like the person I seem to be becoming, when I look back on all the things I've spewed in past entries on this weblog. I never intended it to be anything like a journal, you know. I set this up so that I could post what changes I made to the site when I worked on it. Funny, I suppose. Cathartic? Again, I'm not sure.

I need to get back into a group of artists. Of writers, of musicians. Then at least I'd be a happy unreality.

Kaz