It was a beautiful day today. Late summer, blue as blue sky, with barely a cloud in it. Warm, but with enough of a freshening breeze to keep things nice, as long as you weren't exerting yourself. The sunlight made everything gold, and the drying grass was goldenrod in the warm light. It was a bright day.

And all I really noticed on the drive home this time were the shadows.

It can get dark in them, even on the most cloudless of days, when the sun rules. The forest on Mount Madonna is old, and well-grown. Shadow there is a curtain, heavy and cool and sudden. It didn't seem limited to the mountain, either, though there it was most prominent. I suddenly seemed to notice small clusters of trees, and the shade they cast, and I wondered at how I didn't notice them before, at least, not in the same manner I was at the time. They felt cold, passed cold, and I felt cold too, inside, where the sunshine didn't reach.

And, on this lovely day, one I ordinarily would have enjoyed the drive home on, I found myself thinking dark thoughts. About past wrongs, past mistakes, past humiliations, both ancient and recent. I mused over morbid things, like what would really be different if there were no more me. What was beyond... if, indeed, there is anything at all. Or, if, like a friend believes, we keep going around and around again. I wondered what it felt like - if it felt the same way as I feel, just being. Whether or not the soul is the same, the person isn't. It won't matter if I come back again, it won't be -me-. So is there really only the two possibilities of oblivion or afterlife to consider? Isn't oblivion just another way to look at the notion of reincarnation? There will never again be the combination of nature, nurture, and circumstances that brought about me, so I will cease to exist, and this new person will be born. I suppose strong elements might bleed through to successive lives... but those would be traits, not personality. No more me. At all. Somehow, the notion of not existing scared the hell out me. If this is any indication of the future, I will be one of those withered old crones hanging onto life by gum and nail, unwilling as hell to let go of it. Probably a cranky old bitch, to boot.

Yeah. Fun drive home today. *rolls shoulders and sighs* Eh. Ponderings, with no point. Personally, I believe in an afterlife - heaven, hell, the whole bit. I'm Catholic - lukewarm at best, since I have major problems with the way the Church handles things like abortion, birth control, and homosexuality, to name a few - so tend to think it's the whole 'once around the block' type thing, on average. Not that I think that's the end, or the only way it works - who says heaven doesn't work on rotation, and there's a... what's it called... room capacity? So many souls at a time only, please, thank you, check your wings and halo at the door. Maybe it's the same for hell. Man, I got the pitchfork with the busted tine again, this bites. There are more things in heaven and earth, and all that.

"And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say goodbye."

~ excerpt from Circle of Friends, by Edie Brickell

I think I have my new theme song.

I heard this song once in middle school, and like so many other little poignant snippets, it's stayed with me. I know more, of course, and am forever meaning to buy the CD. I just keep forgetting. Maybe next time I get a Borders card or something. All I have right now are for Waldenbooks. Mmn. Books. Should go get some soon. I got a few cards for such for my birthday, and I could use the escape.

But I don't have one of two things. Energy, or time. If I work all day, I don't have the energy. If I don't, I don't have the time, because I'm packing. It's getting down to the wire folks, and just to catch everyone up, here's the scoop.

The EDD (Employment Development Department, i.e. Unemployment) is refusing to give me my money. Why? Two reasons. They said I had not cooperated with them to give them info they required. This is BS. I talked to their auditor on the phone, he was nice enough, and explained a lot of things I hadn't known about or understood - like that the vet hospital I worked for was owned by this one company, who did all their paperwork through a -third- company I'd never heard of. The other reason? VCA is trying to say that I quit, that they didn't fire me. This is also, a load of shit. I'll be damned if I let them call me a liar and don't give me the money I need to move based on that. So, I filed an appeal. Two, really, since they - in true red tape tradition - gave me two separate Notices of Determination with separate reasons. Now I have to wait for a court hearing - possibly two - which haven't even been scheduled yet. Yay. Did I mention I'm moving out the 31st? Yup. No choice on that aspect, never was. So. What does this mean? Well, despite my efforts to get a place locally, or even a roomie and a place I could have my pets (even just my cat) for a price I could afford, I haven't been able to. It's Oklahoma, folks. Just a matter of -when- now. See, because of the delay, I now have to stay at my parents' house until the hearing is over, I get my money, and I can finally use it to move self, stuff, and pets to Oklahoma. And if you're asking, no, I don't have family there. I do have my best friend, though. Add to that, the wages are about the same as I'm making now - $7.25 if you were curious - except that there, you can actually live on it. A friend of my friend is going to rent me a loft for about $200 until I get a job and rent my own place. AND, most important, he won't mind either cat or large dog. Cue the choir here.

I love my home state. But I can't afford to stay. :( So I go. And until I can, I have to stay at my parents'. *plants face on desk* I'm going to hate that. I never wanted to be the kid in the house again. I never wanted to go back, even temporarily. Hopefully, I won't be there more than a month or two. Then I'm off to Oklahoma.

Or will be as soon as the bastard EDD gives me my money.